Tiger Mom

I finally bought and read Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua this week. Sadly, one of our Borders bookstores is closing, but I was able to snag the book for 40% off. I heard about the book a couple of months ago and read a few excerpts and articles about it. I wanted to see what all the fuss was about and see if it was really as crazy as it sounded. The short answer is yes, it is.

I will refer to the author as Tiger Mom. We're not friends, so "Amy" feels too casual. "Ms. Chua" feels like I'm writing a school essay, so "Tiger Mom" it is. I became engrossed it the book and finished it in a few days, which is fast for me. I am fascinated by the way it is making me think about the way we are raising Raegan and the decisions we make in regards to her. Tiger Mom describes the Chinese method of parenting as totally parent-driven. Children do not make their own choices in terms of what they will participate in. Children are assumed to be strong and can therefor handle harsh criticism, name-calling, and insults from parents. They are expected to be #1 in everything they do. (It seems that there will be a lot of unhappy parents if all these kids get in the same class and can't all be #1). Parents know what is best and should override their children's preferences. This model of parenting ideally creates a virtuous cycle of confidence, hard work, and success. Success breeds more confidence and the desire to work even harder to achieve more, round and round we go.

Her two daughters began playing instruments at the age of three. The older daughter, Sophia, was given a piano, and the younger one, Lulu, a violin. They practiced every day, no exceptions for holidays, birthdays, or travel. Tiger Mom booked ball rooms at hotels when they traveled so Sophia could practice for a couple of hours. They took lessons from prestigious teachers and won numerous awards and honors. Sophia played Carnegie Hall at the age of 14. She was a "model child." She didn't talk back and did what was asked of her, no matter how intense. Lulu was the complete opposite - stubborn, bold, and outspoken. She and Tiger Mom have very similar personalities and constantly clashed. She frequently refused to practice and triggered shouting matches with her Tiger Mom. As Lulu got older, things escalated out of control. I won't tell you how it ends, in case you want to read it.

I've really been thinking about this mother's drive and determination to push her daughters. She once shouted at Lulu that prizes bring opportunities. She claims that everything she does is for her daughters, but they don't see it that way, especially Lulu. After I finished the book and reflected on the issues, I think the key component that's missing is communication. Tiger Mom says Chinese families don't sit down and have heart-to-heart conversations. Maybe Lulu would have been more cooperative if her mother had communicated her intentions and explained why she was being so hard on them.

I haven't reached an answer yet on how far we should push Raegan to do something. I took piano lesson for 2 years in elementary school and was pretty frustrated with it for most of the second year. Actually, I liked playing piano, I just didn't want to practice. I didn't like messing up and playing the same thing over and over. Thinking back on it, it was probably the first time in my life that something didn't come easily to me. I was good at school and sports and had not come up against something that took a lot of extra effort on my part. My parents said I had to finish the second year, and I did. They regret letting me quit, and I think I regret quitting. I wish I could still play well and remember what I learned. On the other hand, how long should it have continued? What was the goal? Tiger Mom would say, "No way, sister! You're not quitting! No dinner or bathroom breaks until you master this piece before bedtime." Later in life I came to another major decision when I seriously considered quitting college softball after my Sophomore year. I decided to finish all 4 years, and I'm really glad I did. I don't think you can make the case that someone will be a lifelong quitter just because they quit something.