Sparing the Rod

Raising a child can be scary. It's the ultimate experiment, and you could end up with a monster child instead of an overflowing beaker.

I like to be as prepared as possible for situations. When I don't know how to proceed, I ask questions and read. I feel like Ryan and I need a game plan for discipline. Right now Raegan responds really well to "no touch," "no mouth," "sit down" and other corrective statements. For the most part she knows when she is doing something she shouldn't, i.e. licking rocks instead of actually putting them in her mouth. The big grin gives her away! But I have a feeling it won't always be so easy. A time is coming when she will test boundaries even further to see how we react. I see all of this as natural and necessary to her development, but I want us to react in a way that will lovingly teach her right from wrong. I know what worked (and didn't work) for me as a middle school teacher, but I don't know about these little toddlers. Thus began the research.

When I was pregnant, my dad suggested that Ryan and I should discuss how we were raised and disciplined, what we liked and didn't like, etc. I can now look back and say that I love and appreciate the way I was raised, although I didn't always like it at the time. I'm told I had a fit in the grocery store for candy once and only once. No one seems to remember exactly what happened to forever deter me, but I never did it again. My dad did most of the grocery shopping, and I remember him letting me pick out my snacks for school lunches, so that must have satisfied me. My parents were cautious, but not over-protective or over-bearing. At the time I thought some things were unfair, but I see the merit of them now. I know kids say "everyone else is doing it," but seriously, in middle school everyone else was allowed to do things I wasn't, such as go to the movies without a parent, stay home alone, get dropped off at the mall, etc. I can't even imagine dropping Raegan off without a parent when she's 12 or 13, or 20. My parents let me experience things when they thought the time was right, and they probably knew I would see it wasn't as cool as I thought. Some examples: 1.) There was a convenience store down the road from our house. I begged to walk there by myself to get candy in the summer. My dad always said "no" until one day he said "yes." I was a nervous wreck and turned back before I was halfway there because I was so scared and never asked again. 2.) In middle school I wanted to stay home alone when I didn't want to go on an errand with my parents. They finally agreed to leave me while they made a quick trip to the mall one evening. Legend has it that I was hiding under my bed when they came home. They still love to laugh at me about that. 3.)When I was 18, I went to Europe with my aunt after high school graduation. My dad sat me down and told me to try some alcohol while I was there. (Their legal drinking age is 18). My aunt usually drank wine and he wanted me to try whatever she had. I was stunned! How many parents tell their kids to try alcohol?! He said he wanted me to try it so I wouldn't go nuts and party when I went to college. He said people "like me" (=naive) sometimes experiment a little too much when they have newfound freedom. So I tried wine and ale and didn't like any of it. I guess he knew that it would take away the intrigue and curiosity, and he was right. I behaved in college and didn't feel pressure to drink when my friends were doing it.

One thing my parents did but I don't plan on doing is spanking. I got spanked only a handful of times (model child), and I'm not upset about it. We even had a paddle that had "Love's Rod" painted on it. I know they didn't enjoy doing it, but I had apparently pushed their buttons and continued misbehaving. The good thing is that I don't remember being spanked in the immediate moment when I had misbehaved, so I didn't feel like I was being spanked out of anger or frustration. I was embarrassed more than anything else. However, Ryan and I just can't see ourselves hitting Raegan, so we are exploring other avenues of discipline. I read Love and Logic

and now Ryan is reading it. While I don't agree with every example they give, I like the overall approach. When the child misbehaves, you are to react with empathy ("That is so sad" or a similar phrase), and then stick with a natural consequence as often as possible, e.g. the child washes the marker off the wall, they pay you with a favorite toy or chores, you remove a young toddler from the area of temptation, etc. No spanking, no yelling, no lecturing, no nagging with multiple warnings - I like it. I think it will work well with our personalities, and it seems like it will help discipline us and our reactions as well.

Right now we are mainly implementing the part about removing Raegan from a situation or taking things from her. For example, we take her for walks in the neighborhood and she is usually a good listener. If she continues to do things that will harm her, like putting rocks in her mouth, we bring her in and go out again later. She likes to drink water out of cups and other miscellaneous cup-like objects, but sometimes she intentionally pours the water on the floor. Then she asks for more "wa wa" but I take the cup from her and put it away for a while. She usually helps me wipe up the water. The tricky thing with her right now is that she loves to help us, so she thinks it's fun to wipe the floor or sweep up the food she threw off her tray. I love her helpful spirit, though!

Here are a few key points from the book:

• Give up control where you don't need it.

• Give choices when the outcome will not harm or bother anyone. This goes hand-in-hand with giving up some control. If it doesn't matter if your child has Cheerios or oatmeal for breakfast, then let them choose.

• Mistakes are learning opportunities.

• Always respond with empathy, and no, this is not a natural response. It will take practice and patience. Responding with empathy will help the child accept the consequence of the misbehavior instead of deflecting their anger towards you for yelling at them or talking down to them.

• Change your phrasing to statements you can back up instead of making empty threats. "Eat your vegetables or you'll be sorry" becomes "You may have dessert after you eat your vegetables."

• Refuse to argue or be pulled into a power struggle with your child; walk away if necessary.

• Requiring children to do chores will help instill a sense of responsibility and belonging.

So, the experiment begins and I will report back with my findings along the way. I always hated writing lab reports in high school, but I think this will be much more fun! Gloves and goggles on!